As days go in the life of a trial attorney, this was one of the worst. An unexpected order issued by the judge the day before a trial created a barrage of legal motions by opposing counsel that my husband had to respond to by 5:00 pm. When my husband focuses, he is in a tunnel of concentration and has no concept of anything happening around him. I know better than to engage and wordlessly put glasses of water on his desk (usually unnoticed and untouched.) My only question of the day might be – do you want lunch at your desk?
I was busy myself writing a blog, and while normally, I show it to my husband before sending it out, I certainly wasn't going to bother him. And when the notice of the published blog arrived in his inbox, I didn't tell him - there would be time for that another day. Later that evening, as my husband sought to unwind and decompress, he mentioned reading my blog during the day and then even went into specific details about what he liked about it.
Wait – what?
You read my blog?
And you even remember what I wrote?
I was dumbfounded, considering I knew he didn't even have time to come up for air. The conversation then shifted to the impact of chronic high stress on emotional and physical wellbeing and the inevitable toll on intimacy and romance. In the intricate dance of marital intimacy, making love certainly brings to mind physical affection or romantic encounters under the soft glow of candles. While the sexual or romantic connection is a wonderful part of intimacy, it’s limiting to think of intimacy only in that way.
And so, I explained to my husband that his reading my blog was just as much an act of making love as anything physical.In the middle of conflict and chaos, my husband took a moment to engage with my writing—a window into my thoughts, creativity, and essence. That signified more than mere interest; it expressed the deepest affection, a way of saying, “I see you.” (Remember, intimacy is Into Me See.)
With a little thought and intention, there are endless ways and opportunities to “make love,” to create intimacy that makes your spouse feel seen, heard, and appreciated.
The Jewish concept of "chesed," or loving-kindness, permeates how we relate to one another, reminding us that love is expressed through our actions. Broadening the definition of “making love” to encompass daily acts of kindness allows us to recognize the multifaceted nature of connection. Heartfelt connection encompasses a spectrum of gestures, whether in the greatest chaos or tranquility of life's routine.
Whoever wakes up first puts a cup of coffee by the bedside of the other. I like oat milk in my coffee; he prefers almond. In recognizing that every act of love—whether a tender touch, a supportive gesture, or simply engaging with each other’s worlds—contributes to a greater sense of intimacy, we create a loving space where our connection can flourish.
Another Jewish value is "shmirat halashon," guarding our speech, and this principle extends to how we communicate with our partners. It’s not just the words we speak but our tone of voice. Or sometimes, when we choose not to communicate, to hold back - my decision to give my husband total space, allowing him to navigate his storm without pressure, was a form of love-making. Our connection is so solid that during those times when he is so “in the zone” that he has to disengage, I don’t take it personally. Compassionate silence can be an act of making love.
As relationships evolve, we realize that intimacy can blossom in restraint and understanding. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, asserts, "Intimacy is the ability to be yourself with someone who accepts you completely." This acceptance is not limited to moments of emotional vulnerability or physical closeness; it encompasses every action, pause, and shared silence that invites trust and understanding into the relationship.
Ultimately, redefining what it means to make love may be one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and our partners. Our ability to see love in these varied forms enriches our relationship, allowing us to experience intimacy not merely as an endpoint in time, but as an ongoing journey.
Internalize and Actualize:
Understanding Intimacy: Reflect on your definition of intimacy. How has it changed over time? What aspects of intimacy do you value most in your relationships?
Redefining Making Love: Reflect on how you might reframe the concept of "making love" in your life. What new definitions resonate with you? How can you incorporate these ideas into your relationship?
Personal Reflections on Love: Think of a time when you felt loved in a way that surprised you. How did it make you appreciate your relationship differently?
The Role of Silence: How do you feel during moments of silence with your partner? Do you find comfort in these pauses, or do they create tension? Explore your thoughts on shared silence and how it contributes to intimacy.
Acts of Kindness: List three small acts of kindness you can do for your partner this week. How do you think these gestures might affect your relationship?
Beyond Physical Affection: Reflect on non-physical ways you express love. How do these actions foster a deeper connection? Write down examples of how you and your partner show love without being intimate in the traditional sense.
Future of Your Relationship: What are your hopes for the future of your relationship regarding intimacy and connection? How can you actively work toward these goals together?
As your Mother,I am overwhelmed with gratitude